A 15-Step Guide To Becoming A Rich & Famous Dickwad

Here it is, pop music aficionados; a step by step  guide on how to become a rich and famous dickwad.

1. Assemble a band.

• Your lead singer is the most important part of your band. He or she will present the image you look to create. Popular and successful images include but are not limited to: sex symbol (Adam Levine, Maroon 5) preachy narcissist (Bono, U2) and drug addict (everyone else).
• After finding a face for your predictable and shitty sound, attempt to locate a guitarist that has secret plans to pursue a power struggle with your lead dickwad concerning the importance of artistic creativity and how it outweighs the lead dickwad’s desire for mainstream success.
• Locate a shirtless bassist, a drummer with a fancy for smoking on stage, and if you’re feeling extra saucy, decorate with additional axe men, vocalists, keyboardists, DJ’s and people who stand on stage and you’re not entirely sure what actual contribution they make to the band (see live rap show for further examples).

2. Learn those power chords!

• Power chords are the most basic form of guitar competence. They consist of the root note of a chord and the fifth. In simpler terms, these are loud chords that avoid complexity and/or thought. Emulate Aerosmith for maximum success.

3. Compile three (or if you’re daring) even four power chords & play in sequence. This is termed a “progression.”

• Popular American rock group, Green Day, is especially prolific using what is known as a I-IV-V chord progression to create bland hits. This trick has produced wonders such as “American Idiot” “21st Century Breakdown” and “Know Your Enemy.”Green Day really push the limit and use a whole four chords to create hits such as “Holiday” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” This has helped Green Day achieve prime dickwad status!

4. Repeat & recycle

• Us consumers want to hear the same thing over and over again as many times as possible. Plagiarizing ones own songs is an effective way to maintain popularity (Blink 182). Plagiarizing ones career is an effective way to become lord of the dickwads (Nickelback).

5. Short & sweet

• Attention span? Patience? Fuck that. Do it the Linkin Park way. On their hit album Meteora, their four major hits ranged from 2:42 to 3:34. Now, Linkin Park are cool enough to be writing music for Transformers and rapping alongside Busta Rhymes!

6. Every song is about me, me, me!

• If the subject, “you” is utilised, you are in for maximum success.
• In Coldplay’s hit single, “Fix You” Chris Martin vows to fix me if…

1. I try my best but I don’t succeed.
2. I get what I want but not what I need.
3. I feel so tired but I can’t sleep.
4. I lose something I can’t replace.
5. I love someone but it goes to waste.

Now I feel secure…

7. Us consumers hate thinking! Make those titles obvious!

• “Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own” says Bono.
• With strategies such as this, coupled with the attempt to present their lead narcissist as a humanitarian, U2 have sold more than 145 million recordings of their vomit inducing ballads.

8. Devise a marketing scheme:

• Radiohead is now counting more zeros than ever before thanks to their cleverly schemed “pay what you want” form of distribution. The honesty jar paid off big time.

9. Stand for something

• Coldplay’s Chris Martin has fair trade, and U2’s Bono has AIDS.

10. Name your kids after vegetables and/or fruit drinks

• Coldplay singer, Chris Martin’s daughter is named Apple Martin. Gwyneth Paltrow, amazingly enough, is still way too hot for this doof.

11. Sell out musically!

• Emulate famous rapper, “Diddy,” formerly known as “P-Diddy,” “Puff Daddy,” “Sean Combs,” “Sean John,” and surely many other redundant nicknames.

12. Sell out commercially!

• Famous gangster rapper, 50 Cent, loves his vitamin water. Meanwhile, U2’s lead singer, Bono loves his 30,962 IPods, none of which he is sharing with Ugandans.

13. Actually knowing how to sing is overrated: Lip sync that bitch!

• Ashlee Simpson ring a bell?

14. Live vicariously through fame & importance you held over a decade ago

• Are they still playing fucking “Wonderwall” on the radio?

15. Market yourself towards impressionable teenage girls

• The Jonas Brothers are a bunch of talentless assclowns but they have a lot of money! So do Justin Beiber’s parents.

There you have it. Now go achieve dickwad status!

Arizona Football Has Arrived

Aside from its parties, beautiful women, and scorching heat, I wasn’t so sure what Arizona’s identity was anymore. It’s a great institution – I can tell you that first hand. But, on a national level, it’s fair to say that sports are what many schools are recognized for. For instance, when you hear “Duke” do you think about what a prestigious academic institution it is, or do you think about Coach K and Laettner?

Perhaps you think the former, but a lot of us think the latter. So, it might come as no shock to you that when I chose to attend the University of Arizona four short years ago, that its identity as a basketball power was part of what I had glorified in my mind. Bibby, Arenas, Jefferson, and Elliott are a few names off the endless list of greats that came through here. The tournament streak, the conference titles, and of course, the hall of fame coach cements Arizona Basketball as a brand.

But things have shifted in the desert. As basketball works to regain a new identity under coach Sean Miller, something strange is happening – football is becoming king. Or at least, is making itself known, not only on the local scene, but nationally.

Last night, infront of a deafening, packed house at Arizona Stadium, the Cats took on #9 Iowa with the chance to prove themselves – to us, and to the rest of the nation. With a comfortable and convincing 27-7 lead going into half, it seemed all but sure that Arizona was finally going to take the step they hadn’t taken since Desert Swarm – a step into the national spotlight.

Three Iowa touchdowns and a missed extra point later, the game was tied at 27. As the Iowa faithful rejoiced, the loudest stadium I had ever heard was deflated and demoralized.

But then came sunshine. Nick Foles cooly and calmly orchestrated a drive, that if Arizona is going to have a season for the ages, will be remembered for a long time.

But where did this come from? Arizona football has long been a tale of heartache, failure, and coming up just short. Any Arizona State fan would be quick to remind you which Pac-10 school is the only school not to have played in the Rose Bowl. The Cats, on a lesser scale, are the Cubs of the Pac-10 with regards to the pigskin.

But the identity has changed and the moment in which everyone knew it was that drive. Nick Foles, after his insertion into the lineup mid-season last year has displayed a cool and calm demeanor unlike anything we’ve ever seen out here. It was Foles cracking jokes when Arizona had blown a 20-point lead, and it was also Foles completing 4 of 5 passes on the drive including a 3rd down touchdown to give the Cats the lead.

In the most emphatic finish imaginable, the Cats sacked Ricky Stanzi 4 times in a row (3 of which ended up counting, thanks to an Iowa penalty). It’s not quite desert swarm, but the defensive side of the ball is damn good.

Now, with a top-15 ranking and 3-0 record, the Cats enter Pac-10 play with a confidence I personally have never seen.

For a sport that was a mere afterthought a short four years ago, for a program mired in mediocrity at best, it’s simply amazing to see Wildcat football become not only the darling of the city of Tucson, but also a national power.

I don’t think Iowa knew the animal they were dealing with.

The Epitome Of Being Full Of Shit: Reggie Bush

So, let me get this straight: Reggie Bush gives back his Heisman Trophy and it’s somehow not an admission of guilt?

Thanks for teaching us all a lesson, Reggie!

Here we go, kids. Reggie says, go steal things, but once they’re onto you, give them back and you definitely never stole them in the first place!

Saving face? How about displaying what moronic levels you can reach, Reggie. As if LeBron James’ “The Decision” wasn’t a bad enough representation of how out of touch athletes can be…

Here are my favorite quotes from that guy who never won the Heisman:

“It’s me showing respect to the Heisman Trophy itself and to the people who came before me and the people coming after.”

…ok, so you’re showing respect to the integrity of the Heisman Trophy by giving up yours despite the fact they’ve wrongfully accused you?

“I just felt like it was the best thing to do, the most respectful thing to do because obviously I do respect the Heisman. I do respect all the things it stands for.”

…The things it stands for? Like, um, not only being the best player, but doing it with class, integrity, without benefits and without seismic levels of douschebaggery?

Via Twitter: “But the key is to never allow your faults or mistakes to define you, yet use them as an opportunity to mature and grow to become better!”

…Maturation, as in admitting, err, not admitting what you’ve done?

“How do I clear my name? I don’t know. I’m not sure.”

…Sorry Reggie, you’re not Pete Carroll. No getting away with this one.

A Cool Drum Remix For A Kid Cudi Song

This dude is pretty good. Nice job injecting a new sound and energy into this song.

Why Are These Guys Playing In Front Of So Few People?

Above the cover, below the original…

Debunking A Misguided Assumption About Photographs

The funny thing regarding pictures is that most of the time we are instructed to, or are prepared to smile prior to the picture actually taking place.

In other words, most pictures are not genuine.

The reason I find it ridiculous to assume that a person smiling in a picture is happy is because I’m good at faking. But it’s not just me that fabricates and creates the illusion.

Not only that, I’m left to wonder, why do we only photograph the “happy” moments in life? What are we afraid of? Is it not somewhat sheltered and evasive of reality to document only the good times? Why not photograph ourselves when we’re doing our taxes, our job, or when we’re lonely?

We intend to glorify certain moments of our existence and frame memories to keep, when in actuality whatever “happy” moment was going on was very short-lived and at times largely inaccurate.

That’s not to say that if you post 50 facebook pictures when you’re out at a party you’re not having fun. I’m sure you are. What I’m saying is that unless a moment is truly caught in action, it’s not entirely real. It’s like a scripted reality show – not so much reality, after all.

For instance, the photograph of Michael Jordan sinking that game winner in Salt Lake City was real. It was not planned. But, if you were to take a photograph of your kids or grandkids and tell them, “Say Cheese” they’re not actually smiling moreso than following a custom or an order.

Don’t be fooled.

P.S.

Please don’t take dozens of the photographs using the same pose on the same night and post every one of them on facebook. Pretty please?

Love,

Tom

New Linkin Park Album Worth The Listen (Even If Some Of It Sucks)

First off, I’d like to welcome you all to my blog, cleverly named after myself (damn, I’m brilliant). No, it’s not narcissism, it’s just impatience towards the idea of thinking of another name. Besides, if you ever forget who authors one of these brilliant posts, you’ll be reminded quite easily.

Now, some of you may know that long before my Mets blogging days, I used to write a music blog. That has since become extinct because, to be quite honest, it kind of sucked. Well, the writing, I’d like to think was good, the content was just outdated. Who cares what I have to say about an album that’s been critically acclaimed for over a decade already?

But I’m smarter now, so here goes a review on an album I wrote about before it was even realeased (which was 3 days ago). It’s Linkin Park: A Thousand Suns, and this is a long review. Bare with me.

An obligatory aspect to most any album review is to give a background and history of the band. Sorry, folks.

From 2000-03 Linkin Park made their imprint as a collision of rock, rap, metal and electronica rolled neatly into radio-friendly, 3-minute songs; angsty enough to satisfy teenage boys, and melodic enough to sell millions of records all at once.

Then there was a long wait. Four years to be exact. And in ’07 (the supposed) god himself (Rick Rubin) came around and advised the LP sextet to not be themselves, at all. Some of it worked, some of it didn’t. It was a departure, and depending on who you asked it was either a dud or a sign of growth and maturation.

Whatever it was, it was kinda ballsy, and also kind of puzzling – seeing as two of the band’s members were made absent (Mike didn’t really rap, Mr. Hahn didn’t really spin).

So, we fast forward to present day – a time in which these beloved angsty nerd rockers decided to flip off MTV and challenge us all. Speaking of MTV, one of their writers acclaimed LP’s new album as LP’s version of Radiohead’s Kid A - that of which it’s not. First off, MTV knows dick about music. There is no secondly, but I can prove firstly.

Kid A was seen as a defining record – something A Thousand Suns is not. The reason it was defining was because it was groundbreaking in genre – in other words, it defied genre – and it changed what people thought you could do. Their album before was thought to be made by guitar gods, and was acclaimed one of the greatest of all-time. So, naturally, they decided to strip away nearly all hints of guitar in exchange for electronica (albeit with a rock band feel).

Linkin Park? They aren’t changing anything, nor have they ever (they didn’t invent “nu metal/rap rock” either). Whereas Kid A was a revolutionary exploration of sound, (though clearly influenced by predecessors in the ambient realm, i.e. Autechre and Aphex Twin) Linkin Park’s new album is more like “let’s put a few dudes in the studio with really sweet equipment and see what random shit they can come up with.”

After my initial thought that I was hearing self-indulgence carelessly spewed into my ears, it grew. Upon second and third listen it became clear that there is intelligence and musicality that goes into this album – even if they try to hide it.

Though 6 of the 15 tracks are essentially intros or interludes (including the quite odd double intro to start the album) everything, for the most part, seems to have a purpose despite its rather arbitrary array of sounds.

It’s certainly political, though to be honest, I don’t really care enough about what they’re trying to say to, well, care. Part of the reason is because if they’re really trying to send a message about changing the world, I call bullshit. But more importantly, it’s about the sound. Get whatever message out of it you want.

Now that that’s covered, the highlights, the lowlights and the head-scratchers.

The Good:

When They Come For Me is easily the most badass song on the album. A middle eastern feel collides with heavy electronics, Mike rapping (actually kind of well, not totally “white rapping”) and, of course, a gorgeous melody that lifts the song to the rafters once the chaos subsides. Oh, and Mike says, “catch up motherfucker” a lot, which actually sounds believable.

Robot Boy would make U2 proud.

Blackout is just strange, yet delightfully so. Picture a lullaby, military drums and intense screaming thrown into one.

Wretches and Kings is Nine Inch Nails and Rage Against The Machine, circa 2010. Find this one on Sportscenter.

The Bad:

Again, why six intro tracks? I feel sort of jipped.

The Ugly:

Iridescent is extraordinarily painful to listen to. Every cliche and crappy, predictable melody is used in this one. Not even Chester’s incredible voice can save this piece of shit.

Overall:

Worth the listen. Unique. Nothing like anything you’ve heard from LP. There are holes and place fillers, yet for the most part everything serves a purpose. You’ll more than likely love it or hate it. It will alienate some, and grow on others.

In short, Linkin Park once again proved to everyone that being loved and despised by mass amounts of people at the same time is really not that hard.

Listen to my favorite, “When They Come For Me.” No live performance to be found yet, but it’s pretty cool anyway.